‘We give up to £400’: How much should you gift at a wedding?

Stop pretending the envelope of cash is about covering your plate. The British wedding industry has spent decades gaslighting guests into thinking their attendance is a transactional event — and now couples are ditching the Peter Jones gift list altogether, asking straight up for money. But with inflation squeezing household budgets and some guests reporting they give up to £400 per wedding, the question is no longer whether you should give cash — it’s whether you can afford to.

And here’s the kicker: the answer might surprise you.

Cash is king — and it’s replacing the toaster

The era of the John Lewis wedding list, where couples registered for Le Creuset pots and matching bath towels, is quietly fading into the past. According to a 2024 survey by Hitches & Toasts, over 60% of UK couples now ask for cash gifts either explicitly on their wedding website or through a subtle nod like ‘contributions towards our honeymoon fund.’ That’s a seismic shift from just a decade ago, when cash requests were considered gauche — a faux pas reserved for couples who lacked the sophistication to pick out a nice gravy boat.

But the trend isn’t just British. In the US, The Knot’s 2023 Real Weddings Study found that 47% of couples registered for cash funds, up from 29% in 2019. The cultural script has flipped: people want experiences (a trip to the Maldives, a down payment on a house) more than they want a KitchenAid stand mixer they might never use. And frankly, given the current cost-of-living crisis, many guests prefer cash too — it’s easier to budget for than a pricey gift from a list.

“We’ve seen a real shift in the last three years,” says Victoria Hamilton, founder of Hitches & Toasts, a UK wedding planning platform. “Couples are much more open about asking for money, and guests are responding. The average cash gift we see is between £50 and £150 for day guests, but for close family or members of the wedding party, it can go up to £400 or even £500.”

So the formula is simple: the closer you are, the deeper you dig. But how deep, exactly? And what happens when the vibe of the wedding — or the couple’s expectations — doesn’t match your wallet?

The great divide: how much is ‘enough’?

Let’s get practical. If you’re a plus-one to a distant colleague’s wedding at a local registry office, no one expects you to drop £150. But if you’re the maid of honour at a lavish four-day affair in Tuscany, the stakes are different. The general rule of thumb used to be ‘cover your plate’ — meaning your gift should equal the cost per head the couple paid for your dinner. That number, according to Bridebook’s 2024 UK Wedding Report, now averages around £100 per guest in the UK, and closer to $150 in the US.

But that rule is increasingly contested. Wedding guests I’ve spoken to are split: some argue that covering your plate is the absolute minimum, while others insist that — given the couple chose the venue and the menu — it’s not your job to reimburse them for a party they decided to throw. The truth? It’s a spectrum. In major cities like London or New York, where wedding costs per head can hit £200 (or $300), guests often cite a range of £75 to £150 as a standard day-guest cash gift. For a couple you’re genuinely close to, that can climb to £250 or £400.

And should you be worried about being judged? Probably not. Most couples, after the stress of seating charts and seating the aunt who keeps asking about your love life, don’t scrutinise individual banknotes. But if you’re attending multiple weddings this summer — and if the recent June Jobs Report indicating a cooling US labor market has you worried about your own disposable income — you might start thinking twice about that £200 gift.

Of course, not every wedding is a cash-only affair. Some couples still have a traditional gift list, and others combine both. But the etiquette around giving cash is murkier than it used to be. The key is to think about your relationship with the couple and your own financial comfort rather than a fixed number.

The awkwardness of asking — and the pressure to give

Let’s be honest: the hardest part of this whole cash gift trend is the awkwardness. Asking for money, even in the form of a honeymoon fund, can feel icky. And receiving it? Well, guests might feel that it lacks the personal touch of a physical gift. But couples are getting creative. Many now use platforms like Zola or Honeyfund, which allow guests to contribute towards specific experiences — ‘buy us a dinner at a Parisian bistro’ or ‘fund a day of scuba diving’. That makes the gift feel less transactional and more meaningful, even if the ultimate outcome is the same: cash in the couple’s pocket.

But there’s a darker side to this trend: the pressure to give. A 2024 survey by Minted (a US wedding stationery company) found that 27% of wedding guests reported feeling ‘obligated’ to give more than they could comfortably afford. In the UK, a similar poll by Hitches & Toasts found that one in five guests had gone into debt to afford a wedding gift. That’s not a trend to celebrate.

So how do you navigate this without feeling resentful? Start by ignoring the noise. The couple’s website might suggest a ‘cash gift of £150 per person’, but that is a suggestion, not a demand. You are not obliged to meet it. Give what you can afford, and if you can’t afford much, consider a heartfelt card and a smaller amount. No one worth keeping in your life will judge you for that.

And if you’re really struggling — say, because you booked tickets for the World Cup through StubHub and got stranded at the gate with $6,000 down the drain — then you have even less reason to worry about what the couple thinks. Your financial priorities come first.

Regional divides and cultural quirks

The cash gift debate isn’t uniform. In parts of Scotland and the North of England, it’s traditional for guests to pin money to the bride’s dress at the reception — yes, literally — in a custom known as the ‘money dance’. That can add up quickly, with some Scottish guests reporting they give £50 to £100 in a single pin. In the US, couples often set up a ‘honeymoon registry’ instead of a traditional one, and the amounts can be wildly different by region: a guest in New York City might give $200, while someone in rural Iowa might give $75.

And let’s not forget class dynamics. Financial advisor and author of The Money Mindset, Dr. Sarah Chen, notes: “The pressure to give a large cash gift often falls hardest on younger guests — those in their 20s and 30s — who are attending multiple weddings a year and may still be paying off student loans or renting in expensive cities. There is a real disconnect between the couple’s expectations and the guest’s financial reality.”

What the experts say (finally, someone making sense)

To cut through the confusion, I spoke with two experts. First, Polly Thompson, etiquette coach and author of Modern Manners for Real Life:

“The old rule about covering your plate is outdated. A cash gift should reflect your relationship and your means, not the couple’s spending choices. If you’re a close friend or family member and you can comfortably give £100, that’s fine. If you’re a distant colleague and you give £30, that’s also fine. The couple invited you because they want you there — not because they expect a cheque.”

Then I spoke with James Mitchell, head of communications at the UK’s Money Advice Trust: “We advise guests to set a realistic budget for wedding season. If you have five weddings this year, giving £100 per wedding adds up to £500 — that’s real money. Don’t let social pressure push you into debt. A £50 gift given with a thoughtful note is far better than a £150 gift paid for on a credit card and worrying about for months.”

And look: if you’re still unsure, just ask the couple directly. In many cases, they’ll tell you they’d rather have you there than your money. But if they don’t — well, you’ve learned something about them, haven’t you?

So, to sum up: there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But if you’re looking for a golden number, consider this: for a standard UK day guest, £75 to £100 is widely accepted as the sweet spot. For a close friend or family member, £150 to £250 feels generous. And for a wedding party member or sibling, £250 to £400 is common. In the US, adjust those numbers upward by about 25% for major cities. But always, always check your own bank balance first.

As for the future of wedding gifting — expect more cash, more tech-powered offers, and perhaps a return to simpler, more heartfelt traditions. Because no matter how much you give, the real gift is showing up. (Especially if you didn’t get stranded at the gate with a $6,000 ticket.)